I haven’t written in a long while. Life has been rough the last couple months and I admit I found myself in a downward spiral. It started with a scheduled court date in mid-October to address child support and the many areas my ex was currently in contempt of, which basically means things he was required to do by the court, but just wasn’t. I was looking forward to getting in front of our judge but he forced us to mediate first. After false promises and misleading information, my ex and I came to an “agreement” which negated our need to go to court. Of course, once I gave up our court date, my ex refused to follow through on our mediated agreement.

Within hours of arriving back from Florida and my failed court attempt, I found myself in the emergency room of Children’s Hospital with Jerilyn. She needed to be admitted again to the bio-behavioral unit.

After about twelve hours in a tiny room with Jerilyn raging and on a one-to-one nurse watch, a bed opened up for her. Apparently one had opened up about six hours earlier, but they “forgot” to tell us. Oh joy. The stress of that day pushed me over the emotional ledge I was only barely hanging on to.

A lot of people ask me how I keep going with all of the challenges we constantly face. I usually say I take it one day, one moment, at a time. However, sometimes I get an overwhelming sense that I can’t keep doing it.

I felt depression pulling me down…down…down. I’ve dealt with episodes of depression a couple of times before when life’s circumstances were overwhelming. This time was one of the most difficult to bounce back from though. I had a hard time getting out of bed, talking to anyone, even eating.

Jerilyn stayed in the hospital for about ten days. During that time, our respite worker quit. Great day. (Read that sarcastically.)  A respite worker is basically a one-on-one helper for Jerilyn. We can’t seem to hold on to a respite care worker. Ugh!

Within two weeks of Jerilyn being released from the hospital, I was at the end of my abilities. They had adjusted her meds, but stability was still not achieved. Every day was extremely difficult. I finally broke down and had to admit to myself that we needed more help. I called her Intensive Case Manager and told her through sobs we needed to talk about out-of-home placements.

I felt like a broken woman. A broken mother.  A failure.

We started the process for a temporary out-of-home placement. It’s been a few weeks now and we did receive approval from the insurance company, which was a big hurdle. Now we are trying to see if there is actually a therapeutic group home which will work for her. Apparently there are three in the area. One already bowed out. The second one has a two month wait list. The third, and final one, interviewed Jerilyn and I yesterday and we will hear back by the end of the week about whether they will accept her.

My prayer had been that God would show us just the right home for her and close the other doors. I am hoping that since only one group home is still in the running…it is the one God wants her in.

Some of you may be wondering how Jerilyn is taking the news of the temporary move. Eagerly is the best description. The same way she looks at going to a hospital. She knows she needs more help than we can possibly give her, and I think she sees it as an adventure of sorts. A chance to meet other kids she can relate to. At least, that is my best guess.

Please continue to pray for us. This is only a snippet of the real life drama we are living every day over here. I could fill up a book with the more detailed version….oh wait…I am. Stay tuned.  🙂

2 thoughts on “Downward Spiral

  1. April you will always have my prayers. You have deep roots in Christ! Stand tall in Him. Put on that armor of God together with me and we together rebuke the enemy! Love you dear sister in Christ

  2. Oh April. I am so sorry. I can only imagine how hard all of it has been. I do hope that the group home will be beneficial and that Jerilyn will feel good about being there. I will be praying for all of you. I love you and miss you.

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