….Only discrepancies are that you get no slumber and it is no party.
Tonight I sit in a tiny ER patient room hoping and praying that tomorrow will bring an admission into a behavioral health hospital for Jerilyn. She has been struggling and honestly, could have been admitted a couple weeks ago, but behavioral coaches had just started working with her and I wanted to give this solution a chance. Actually, what I wanted to do was prove that “behavioral coaching” was going to fail so that the ‘Powers That Be’ residing over Jerilyn’s out-of-home placement would wake up!
Exactly what I said would happen, happened. She became increasingly non-compliant with the coaches. No incentives, no consequences move Jerilyn once she has made up her mind. It was a short school week since they had off for President’s Day on Monday. Nevertheless, Jerilyn was non-compliant three out of the four mornings for school. Meaning…she wouldn’t get up and go. I had TWO behavior coaches there to help and still…nothing.
Sidenote: All you parents of normal kids who are thinking to yourself…well, you just need to give her better consequences…trust me, we’ve tried whatever you are thinking. 🙂
What she probably needs is an out-of-state placement because apparently no residential treatment centers in state can meet both her autism needs as well as her behavioral health needs. Of course out-of-state means out-of-budget to these agencies so we have to try and fail every other avenue before they will consider what those of us who understand Jerilyn best, already know.
During the worst meltdown yesterday in this room, she lashed out at me verbally for a good 15 minutes before her behavior coach suggested I take a walk. I left and only made it a few feet before I saw the looks of pity/understanding from the others outside the room. One of the guys told me to hang in there. Oh no…he showed compassion. I can stay strong as steel until compassion hits my heart and then I can’t stop the tears. Strangers bringing me tissues and patting my shoulder help and make me cry harder all at the same time. Mostly I am just so sad that Jerilyn needs more help than I can give her. I honestly don’t take her words seriously, it’s the pain behind them that kills me. She doesn’t want to be alive because her world is filled with pain and overwhelming challenges that neither her, nor I, can just wish away.
When I came back to her room, she was so sad. “Mom, I didn’t mean the things I said. I don’t know why I can’t stop. I’m so sorry.”
“I know Jerilyn. It’s okay. I forgive you.”
This time and next time.
Please Lord, open up a placement for Jerilyn that is going to be a safe environment for her with a doctor who has wisdom and discernment. If there is a medication out there that would help her, please lead us to it. If there is a out-of-home placement that would improve her quality of life, please help us find it. Bind Satan from his relentless attacks on her and on our family. Strengthen us. Surround us with your warrior angels. Supply us with your peace that passes understanding that we might be witnesses to the truth of Isaiah 43:2.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.